The Problems with Nonattatchment
by Ember Koramin
Summary: So, what if the nonattatchment thing was repealed? What are the families of our characters like?  Mace Windu being henpecked? Alaya with bratty kids? And who is Yoda married to? What will happen when they all come together? Hopefully, funnyness.
1. Chapter 1

_The Amazing **Author's Note:**_ _This will be my first purly humor fic, and I know it doesn't seem very funny right now, but I have plenty of ideas for it. XD_

_Disclaimer: I don't own Star Wars, blah blah blah, characters of my own, blah blah blah... you get the picture._

**The Problems with Nonattachment**.

Masters and Knights, and even Padawans rustled around the great entrance hall to the Temple in their flowing robes, conferring nervously with each other. Younglings were gathered at doorways, though they were too young to understand the importance of the matter being discussed at that very moment in the Council chambers above. Groups of Jedi traded whispered theories on the turnout, while more simply stared at the door, willing the debaters to get done quickly.

The massive door creaked, and every head snapped to attention on the figures that emerged. The Council members walked out slowly to stand before them, and Master Yoda hobbled to the front on his walking stick.

"Decided, we have, that on the matter of attachment, too restricting, the Order has been. As of today, to marry, form families, and all subsequent matters, the Jedi will be allowed."

Dead silence filled the Temple until an exuberant whoop came from the mouth of one teenage apprentice. Then everyone else followed suit in cheering and rushing about. Quite a few rushed into significant others' arms, while over half got out portable callers and started dialing numbers. Conversations like the following began to be heard.

"Hey honey, you'll never guess what happened-"

"Gala, you can come on out here now, it's okay-"

"Richard, get that scorpion figure away from your sister's Barbie, I'll be there-"

"Am I to understand," began Master Gallia, looking at the others incredulously, "that all these Jedi have been having secret relationships?"

Master Windu began edging away from the group toward the speeder bay, but Master Yoda only smiled up at her. "Yes. In fact, propose I do, a gathering of sorts tonight, for the families."

Most of the Masters were dispersing from the Temple, either to go report the news or to take unofficial free time that had been sorely restricted with the war. Yoda started off toward his quarters, humming some little tune. Master Gallia shrugged went to find her old phone book.

That night:

The cooks had gone all out, perhaps expecting many different turns of events in their infinite forethought. From the looks of the food, they had planned for picky kids, romantic outings, and a very wild party. The head of the kitchen had even hauled out an ancient drum of Portellian whiskey, though no one knew whether to attribute this to the event or his particular fondness of it.

6-o-clock drew near. And the families began to arrive. Obi Wan wandered around the room looking at new arrivals and marveling at what had been kept hidden for so long. Not only did many of the Order seem to have partners, but quite a few had children. _They seem well enough behaved, at least_. He thought. Then the weirdness started.

Master Ki Adi Mundi walked up to him, followed by five women. They varied in looks and moods, from tall and sultry to small boned and pissed off.

"Ah, good evening Master Obi Wan," Said Ki. "Did you bring a significant other with you tonight?"

"Er…no."

"Well, the night is still young. Perhaps you'll get lucky."

Obi Wan gave a strained smile and asked "And who are these ladies, Ki?"

"These are my wives."

"As in the plural?"

"Oh, yes. Here, Timov, line up please. From left to right, Master Obi Wan, are Timov, Selah, Nile, Croce, Atalaya, and Tonin. Dears, this is my good colleague, Master Obi Wan Kenobi."

The women all bowed in turn, though while Selah kept her eyes demure and others were curiously looking around them, Timov barely inclined her head and glared at Ki.

"Um, I'll be seeing you later Master Mundi. I see an old acquaintance over there." Obi Wan hurried off in another direction as behind him Timov started whispering furiously to one of the others, maybe Croce. Obi was just getting out of hearing range when he saw Alaya Secura coming up the Temple steps with her family in tow.

She wasn't accompanied by a man, but three children around the ages of four, seven, and eleven were walking behind her. Alaya was holding the hand of the youngest, who was trying to wander off constantly. The other two seemed to be in the middle of an argument.

"Stupid stupid-head, Nerf's can't fly."

"Slimy cootie-head, yes they can. I _saw_ them. On the holo."

"No you didn't!"

"Yes I did!"

"Stupid-head!"

"Cootie-breath!"

"Richard, Ciria, knock it off! You are going to behave tonight!"

_Maybe_, thought Obi Wan, _I was a little premature in guessing behavior_. He quickened his pace in order to avoid them, and ran right into Master Windu. His wife was short and pudgy and did not seem happy.

"Hello Master Windu, I didn't know you were married." said Obi Wan.

Mace smiled thinly back at him. "It seems there is a lot we didn't know about our colleagues. Did you see Ki Adi back there-?"

His wife interrupted him. "Mace, are you going to gossip all day or are you going to introduce me? Who is this man? One of your co-workers?"

Master Windu turned immediately to his wife. "Yes dear, this is Master Obi Wan Kenobi. He -"

"He looks like a farmer. Don't you people have rules concerning appearance?"

"Well dear, it's perfectly -"

"No, never mind. I want you to show me around this ghastly excuse for architecture. Where is your office? Now on Jared 4, that is a fine example of cultural building."

"Yes dear."

Mace hurried off with a quick 'see you later' to Obi Wan. This seemed to be proving so far that his staying out of a relationship was a good thing. He turned around, preparing to go toward the dining area as it was nearly time for the meal, and jumped about ten feet into the air upon seeing his apprentice eating the face of the less amphibian Naboo Senator.

"Anakin! What the hell are you doing?!" he yelled. The two pulled apart somewhat reluctantly, and Anakin smiled hugely at his Master. Obi Wan wondered if that whoop earlier hadn't been his.

"Master, you know Padme. Isn't it great that we don't have to hide anymore?"

Obi Wan stuttered trying to find words for what he was thinking, then thought better of it when he saw Alaya's youngest nearby, and he shut his mouth. Fortunately Padme stepped forward to take control of the situation, knowing full well that Anakin was not able to handle something like this smoothly.

"Master Kenobi, Anakin and I have been involved for some time now. We only did not tell you for fear of your standing in the Order should we be found out."

Well, what could he say to that? He shook his head weakly and motioned then through the doors to the dining area, then turned to go after them. _Barely six and I already have the mother of all headaches. That whiskey better be good._

_Well, next chap the real fun will star, and we get to meet Yoda's wife. Bwahahahaha ..._

_ Please reveiw. Seriously, I am working on that nuclear squirell. You won't stand a chance.  
_


	2. Oh God, the Wives

_The one (not really) and only **Authors Note**:_ _\/\/007! r3vi3ws!_ _I am so very happy. And so, here I present chapter 2! Ej0y:)_

Ch2- Oh God, the Wives.

Obi Wan chose a seat next to Master Adi Gallia and motioned for Anakin to set next to him. The least he could do for tonight was make sure the Order was not disgraced with disorderly conduct. _Or at least_, he thought, _if it is the sticky fingers of blame will not come near me. _

That being said, there were still two empty seats at their table and the four soon found themselves seated with Selah and Croce, two of Ki's wives. The others were at the next table along with Master Windu and his wife, who was staring daggers at all three.

"So, you are Master Kenobi?" asked Selah, turning towards him. "Ki has told us all about you. You were sooo brave on Genosis, defeating all those droids and icky bug things."

Obi Wan looked uncomfortably in another direction and replied with "Yes, well, Anakin helped, and the other Jedi arrived in time." Master Gallia smirked at him and engaged Padme in conversation, leaving him to his own defense.

"Oh, of course Master Kenobi - may I call you Obi Wan?- but surely it would not have mattered if they had come or not if you had not been so very skilled." She batted her eyes at him and Croce snorted.

"Surely he was not all that skilled. I hear the Senator was wounded and his own apprentice lost his hand." she stated matter of factly. Selah glared at her and Obi Wan cleared his throat.

Anakin broke into the conversation then. "That was not Obi Wan's fault, Mistress Croce. Count Duku is strong with the force."

"That and my young Padawan is very rash at times." Obi Wan added. Selah giggled and Anakin frowned. Croce was staring at Anakin with a gleam in her eye.

"I will have you know, _apprentice_, that when you address me it will be as Lady Melara Mundi. I am not some, some tramp that can be bought in the night."

Anakin back peddled furiously while Obi Wan signaled him from across the table to shut the hell up. "I meant no disrespect Lady. I was unfamiliar with your form of address."

"The hell you were. I know your type. All you Jedi men, rushing around slicing things up, egos the size of planets-"

"That's not true," he shot back. "My ego doesn't even come into this. I simply decided on the common form of addressing-"

"Common?!"

Obi Wan broke in earnestly as Padme and Adi looked over at them in astonishment. "My Padawan offers his sincere apology, Lady Mundi. Don't you Anakin?" he said through gritted teeth.

Selah laughed a tinkling laugh that caused nearly everyone to start. "My dear Croce, leave the poor boy alone. He's certainly no match for your expertly sharpened tongue."

"It is only sharpened because of these events, _my dear Selah_. Just because you demean your position by shamelessly flirting with any male old enough to-"

"I am socializing." Selah liltingly shot back. "You might want to try it some time. Maybe then Ki would-"

"How dare you?!" shrieked another voice at the next table. All of them turned around and saw that it was Timov who had yelled. She was standing up, red faced and livid, and in her case it made a difference. Mace's wife was also standing up and glaring, but it took a little longer to notice for her, she was so short. Master Windu was quietly trying to get his wife to sit down, while Master Mundi was doing the same.

"My dear Timov," he said reproachingly, "sit down. There's no point making a fuss."

"You can very well say that Mister." She yelled at him. "I'll not stand for that kind of talk coming from that- , that toad!"

"Toad, am I?" Mace's wife screeched. "I'd hardly take that into consideration coming from you, you harlot!"

Mace pulled on her shirt sleeve softly. "Dear, please sit down, it's only-"

"Quiet, Mace. I will handle this." He sat back down, mumbling. Croce stood up and walked over to stand beside Timov, while Selah tucked her arm into Obi Wan's and leaned against him, apparently intending to fully enjoy the show. Obi Wan himself decided to stay well out of this, but soon found himself in the spotlight anyway.

"You stand there and call yourselves ladies, but here you are, all married to that man, and not even being faithful!" Mace's wife shouted at them, pointing towards Selah and Obi Wan. Obi wan turned beet red and tried to wrestle his arm politely from Selah's, but she locked hers even tighter.

"Oh my dear, I'm only keeping Master Obi Wan company. He seems so very alone, and my husband will surely not mind. He does have five of us." Selah called out merrily.

"And more inappropriate comments!" Mace's wife shouted back.

Another of Ki's wives meekly said "It was only a joke. I really am sorry it offended you."

"Don't you apologize, Atalaya." Said Timov imperiously. "You did nothing wrong. This hen is simply rude and narrow minded."

Another call from Selah. "Timov, I wouldn't be calling other people hens if I were you."

Ki turned sharply to her. "Selah, quit goading them on!"

"Oh shut up, Mundi. If marriages of politics aren't what you wanted you should have become a farmer." Timov said disgustedly.

Mace's wife managed to sniff disapprovingly even while outraged. "He certainly looks the part." Mace once again tried to hush her and was verbally lashed in return. By now everyone in the room was staring at them, some in shock, and some in amusement. Master Yoda was sitting at table near the head of the room, and was tapping his stick to some nonexistent music. Obi Wan was still trying to detach his arm from Selah's grip, but it seemed he would have to cut it off with his lightsaber to get away.

The argument between Ki's wives and Mace's wife was reaching a crescendo, when right in the middle of a screech on the latter party, she was cut off. Master Gallia had snuck up behind her and knocked her out with a blow to the head. There was some sporadic clapping, and them everyone went back to their meals. Master Windu whispered something to Adi, probably a thank you, and carried his wife off somewhere.

Obi Wan turned back around, but not before turning red once again when he caught a wink from Ki, who nodded in the direction of Selah. _Can this night get any worse?_ He shook his head to clear his thoughts and looked up, only to see that Anakin and Padme had vanished.

"I swear, I take my eyes off that boy for five minutes…"

_Wow, what will Obi Wan have to go through next? Where did Anakin and Padme disappear to? (Like we don't know) And when will we find out who yoda's wife is? Like that stupid author said in the summary? haha. all shall be revealed..._  



	3. The Calm Before the Storm

_At last the return of the _**Authour's Note**_: Awkwardness ensues. Yes, I haven't updated for a month and a half. I am very sorry, but believe me, I have many good excuses. One of them you can look up on the New York Times. Search for article "explosives camp".  
_

Chapter 3: The (relative) Calm before the Storm.

Obi Wan angrily got up from his table, Selah still attatched to his arm. "Master Obi Wan, where are you going? Surely your apprentice can take care of himself?"

Obi wan glared at her in exasperation. "I know my Padawan, Miss Selah. I know him well enough that it is simply not possible for him to behave respectably in a situation like this. I'm going to find him before he ends up on the 21:00 news."

"Well, I'll come with you!" she exclaimed happily.

Thinking fast, Obi Wan smiled, partly in act, partly from guilt (but not much of it). "Of course Miss Selah. Right this way." They walked out through the kitchen doors and started past the ovens. "Ah, wait just a moment! I know that the head cook keeps a special selection of Denebian brandy just off here, wait a moment and I'll fetch some." He walked casually into another doorway, then jumped quickly into a ventilation duct and sat still.

Three minutes later an impatient Selah came through the door also, looked around and then stalked off. Thank god. He jumped lightly down from the ceiling and headed back in the opposite direction, hurrying swiftly past a fresh argument that had broken out between Alaya's two oldest. Walking into the main entrance, he tried to feel in the force for his ties with Anakin.

Suprisingly, a very large amount of static met his probe, and he was unable to sense anything. _This_, he thought, _is not a good thing_. For one, it meant he would have to search the old fashioned way. For another, it meant that Selah would be able to sneak up on him. He set off in the direction of the fountain room, bypassing the thought of checking on their quarters. Anakin was likely to assume that Obi Wan would check there first. Walking through the entrance to the fountain room, he tried to ignore the couples scattered around on benches or by the pools. A cursory glance told him that Anakin was not here.

Entering another hallway, Obi Wan was run over by a tan blur. Only pure luck ensured that it was his leg and torso that was stamped on and not his head or other important body parts.

"Aahhhg! What th-? Scout? What are you doing?!" he yelled, trying to distangle his robes.

Screeching to a halt, Scout turned back to look at him. "Oh, jeez! Sorry Master! Didn't see you there. You really should try to be a bit more visible."

"Tallisibeth! Why are you running?!" Unfortunatley Obi Wan's next sentence was trampled on as thoroughly as his head when Whie Malreaux rounded the corner.

"Whie, why were you so far behind me? He's got to be gaining, come on!" Scout shouted. Obi Wan grabbed both their shoulders and refused to let them go. He could hear the distant sounds of boots slapping on floor tiles.

"Who is chasing you?" He asked firmly. Whie and Scout tried vainly to pull away.

"Let go, please! It's Master Leem!" That was Scout talking. "We can fix it, I promise!" That from Whie.

Obi Wan thought for a microsecond. "Okay, help me with something afterwards and I'll hide you." The two Padawans only hesitated until a harsh curse was heard not so far away and gaining. "Deal!"

Obi Wan quickly threw them high in the air (with a little force helping; after all, he wasn't as young as he used to be), where they grabbed desperately to the tapestries hanging from the ceiling. Three seconds later Master Maks Leem rounded the corner, red faced and cursing under his breath. He spared only a glance at Obi Wan, who smirked and pointed down the hall. Scout and Whie shakily dropped down to the floor.

"Okay you two, I'm going to ignore what you may or may not have done for right now. First I need you to tell me if you've seen Anakin."

Scout spoke up imeadiatly. "We haven't seen Anakin at all this afternoon."

Whie started to add "But he's probably-" at which point Scout elbowed him hard in the ribs. He fell silent.

Obi Wan studied them hard before asking the next question. "Why, when I reach for the force, do I sense only static?" Scout and Whie looked at each other shiftly and didn't reply. Obi Wan sighed and pantomimed writing in mid air.

"Dear Master Leem, in addition to tonight's trouble, it seems Padawan Malreaux was the one responsible for last month's-"

"Ahh! Okay, okay!" Whie interjected with a panicked look on his face. "Look," he began, with a glance at Scout, who just sighed at him. "All I'm gonna tell you is to look in Speeder Bay 7."

"But that's been unused for years since Master Tipada let off those awful stink grenades."

Scout replied knowingly. "Well, the scent's worn off since then, hasn't it? Only none of you wanted to go check to be sure."

Whie nodded. "Just go there, and keep our names out of this!"

Obi Wan walked away with a very grim feeling eating away at his stomach, and a nagging voice in his head that urged him to call for back up.

_The next chapter (though it will be longer) (and funnier) will not take nearly so long. I hope._  



	4. Why People Invented Alcohol

_The probably final _**_Author's note_**_So, here I think is that last chpater I'm going to do for this stroy. I could do more, but I don't really feel like it, and I rounded it out okay. If I get bored I might do more at a later date. I hope you enjoyed this, I certainly had fun writing parts of it.  
_

**Chapter 4: Why People Invented Alcohol.**

Obi Wan Kenobi was walking nervously through the corridors of the Jedi Temple, heading for Speeder Bay 7. A look of grim determination was on his face and a thought ran single mindedly in his head. _Whatever is there, it's gonna suck for me_. The hallways were quiet and he could hear only his own footsteps echo on the floor. It seemed too quiet. _Where are all the Padawans?_

The silence seemed to weigh down on him. He thought he sensed something behind him, but when he turned there was nothing there. He was starting to get seriously paranoid. As he continued toward a destiny he didn't really want to think about, the author conjured up the theme to "Jaws" in her head.

_Duh-Nuh._ Step

_Duh-Nuh._ Step.

_Duh-Nuh. Duh-Nuh. Duh-Nuh-Duh-Nuh DUHDUHDUHDUH_……

"AAAAGGHHHHHH!!"

"Obi Wan! I finally found you!" smiled Selah. (you might think that someone can't _smile_ a word, but believe me, they can.)

"Stars above, Mistress Selah, don't **do** that to a person." Gasped Obi Wan as he held a hand over his chest.

"Oh Obi Wan, you're so funny," said Selah, with that weird little tinkling laugh. "I bet you noticed me a mile away! You're such a perfect gentlemen that you pretended to be surprised."

"Yes, pretended." Obi wan muttered as he edged around her to try and walk away. Unfortunately, Selah didn't get the hint and started to walk along with him. It was at times like this that Obi wan wished he didn't have such the reputation as a diplomat. It was perfectly all right if Kit Fisto ignored an unwanted person, or was less than polite in his rebukes, but if the _diplomatic_ Obi Wan was rude, well. The Council, the lectures, the "Jedi are supposed to be courteous" speech from Yoda. That little green holier-than-thou wizened up old coot. Obi Wan bet he'd never even dated a girl, let alone had one hanging all over him.

Speaking of Kit, though. The green skinned Jedi rounded the corner ahead of them, and Obi Wan waved hello and walked to meet him.

"Obi Wan, what brings you all this way distant from the main party?" Kit asked him, eyeing the hanger on warily.

"Well, I'm looking for Anakin, and I got some pretty reliable information on Speeder bay 7."

"Ugh. Where Master Tipada set off all those stink grenades? I remember that, Obi Wan," he said with a shudder. "Are you sure that's where he is?"

"My sources tell me the stink wore off, and something is there, at any rate. But why are you so concerned? I seem to recall you laughing quite heartily the last time Anakin encurred a Master's wrath."

Kit sighed and gritted his teeth in a way that spelled unpleasant consequences for whomever he was thinking of. "As a matter of fact, I too am looking for my Padawan. She was supposed to be setting up a pyrotechnics display for the families, but both she and the fireworks have disappeared. No offense, Obi Wan, but I can only assume that Anakin has hijacked her skills and attention. Surely you've noticed it's unusually quiet?"

Obi Wan grimaced and motioned for Kit to come with him. As the group started walking the rest of the short distance to the speeder bay, Selah broke in on the silence.

"I really don't see what the big fuss is. Surely your apprentices are allowed to have fun once in a while?"

Kit replied "This is a slightly special case, Mistress. The high spirits of tonight and the alcohol served at dinner will probably lead to some unwise decisions. That, and one of Nova's major ideas of fun involves fire. She's a rowdy drunk."

"And Anakin's seems to involve a Senator now. Wait, Nova's been drunk before? You said that infirmary stay was for Denebian flu!"

"Well, I refused to have you lord it over my training skills when Anakin still likes to drive at Mach 3." By this time they had reached the inside door to the speeder bay in question. Both Masters paused to take a deep breath and prepare themselves. Through the thick titanium blast doors they could hear faint music and what might be voices.

Mistress Selah was not giving up trying to convince them there was no need for this. "Honestly, if they are normally fully responsible, the best examples of this age, why don't you trust your Padawans now? I'm sure they're fi…" Obi Wan had reached forward to touch the keypad on the doors. They opened, and a huge blast of sound almost knocked them over.

The three stood undisturbed and unnoticed as a party loud enough and unruly enough to put Senator Organa's bashes to shame raged in front of them. Almost every Padawan was in there, and they seemed to have invited quite a lot young people from the city. Ropes and streamers had been strewn everywhere, and as they watched, entranced, Padawan Feris swung past them from the ceiling. Against the far wall they could see the entire stock of firewhiskey from Master Koon's private- I mean the kitchens. As the mayhem continued unabated, more and more Masters were summoned to the spot by the noise. They stared openmouthed at their own apprentices or those of others, most of whom were quite obviously drunk. A fiery streamer ignited in the back, bursting into multicolored flames in the middle of the room.

"I think Nova will be back there," Obi Wan yelled to Kit over the bass that was shaking the floor.

Kit pointed to a curtained section labeled 'make out room'. "And I think Anakin will be in there." Kit yelled back at him before furiously striding into the room. The other Jedi followed, some grimly, some with twisted anger on their faces. Being very drunk, of course, it took a few seconds for the partiers to notice something was very wrong indeed. By the time the started bolting, only a few were able to escape, and they were being chased down with a vengeance. Yelling and curses could not be heard until a group of Masters, unable to figure out how to shut off the sound system, destroyed it with lightsabers.

Obi Wan dragged Anakin kicking from the corner, though it seemed that Senator Amidala had managed to slip out. "Do you have any idea what kind of trouble you guys are in? You are supposed to be the Jedi's future, not a band of drunken students!" Obi wan yelled to the group at large.

Master Unduli was also livid as she spoke. "At least one of those guests you invited worked for the 2nd major news station. What do you think it's going to look like to the people when they hear about how the war will be fought by you lot?"

"And most of all," Mace Windu cut in, "How on Coruscant were you people able to block our minds with static?! Do you know how dangerous that could have been?"

"Oh, I can explain that." A sweet, medium range voice broke through the discord and heated arguments like a police speeder though a mob. The voice was sultry, sexy, and everyone turned to see who spoke it. Instantly, every male brain in the room short circuited. Mouths dropped open, tongues hung out, and the women stared with shock and envy.

Standing in the doorway was the most beautiful woman any of them had ever seen. She was blue skinned and perfect, with silky black hair falling to her waist. She was hot, no doubt about it, but she made the hottest supermodel look like a desperate hooker. Utterly at ease among them, she stepped into the room.

"I gave them a TS76 model psychic disrupter, just for tonight."

One of the female Masters had managed to bring her brain back to the surface. "And who told you it was okay to do that?!"

"Gave her permission, I did," spoke a wizened up voice. Master Yoda hobbled into the room and pinched the woman's rear end playfully, and she swooped down to give him an extravagant kiss. "Thought it would be nice, I did, to get them away from us for tonight. See that they took my suggestion a little too heartily, I do. Still, they will not be punished."

Obi Wan stared in disbelief at the ancient Jedi. "Master Yoda, is that your wife?"

Smiling greatly, he responded. "Yes, my wife this is, Tanya. Wasn't she nice to come up and meet you? Very shy, she is. Come on dear, want to show you the Temple, I do.' With that he hopped into her arms, and she carried him lovingly out the door, leaving every one else staring after them. Master Obi Wan Kenobi broke the silence.

"Well, you still have to replace that firewhiskey. Stars, I need a drink."

_Please reiew if you liked this, or if you didn't, or if you have suggestions for writing. I like to improve. Even flames are welcome, since I like to read what people who have nothing better to do with their lives have to say about things that don't affect them in any way.:)_


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